Apollo’s Preyer
“These rough places you run through. Slow down, I ask you, check your flight, and I too will slow.”
I recently ended a romantic connection.
Disappointment pierced my heart the most. Neither of us cheated (that I’m aware of). Physical harm? Nah. Emotional harm? Debatable. Likely. Yes. (I acknowledge I am capable of harm, although not my default intention). Chemistry? There. Felt seen? Mostly. A good 90%. Very good batting average.
My summation: We just weren’t compatible and couldn’t collaborate on healthy tools for repair post conflict and during emotional activation.
I’m 99% sure his conclusions are different and he’s entitled.
We stumbled and stomped on each other’s traumatic landmines. The mirrors crashed. The part of me that’s still trying to make sense and wants vindication would like to name for you (the reader) that I called out during our first encounter that we had matching father wounds. I knew we’d reach a point. I didn’t know that point would end up with us both being so activated that we couldn’t walk each other home safely, but here we are.
Post-dissolution I watched a video on IG of one of my queer cousins saying that they just aren’t interested in anyone anymore. They didn’t want to go through the process of getting to know a person all over again. The pattern of learning someone for weeks only to be left hanging. To pick up the shattered pieces.
How hopelessly unromantic, I thought. I wondered if a good majority of us are scared to fail. Or our relationship to grief and the practice of letting things go is weak. A lot of us don’t yet have the emotional muscle tissue to lift ourselves back up when the weight of loss becomes too heavy.
What’s the tender light bulb that flashes post heartbreak?, I questioned. As a Gemini moon baby, one of my go-to ways to process is to write, mull, and/or talk my emos through. Taking an inquiry to the streets felt most appropriate. Field research. Medicine for the mental spirals.
I put my Heraldo Rivera hat on and texted some Black queer men in my orbit. I asked them: “After a breakup, what made you keep—or stop—believing in love?”
Their answers inflated my optimism and temporarily soothed my spirals.
With this ending, I was pushed to feel my way through more deeply than I have before. I believe in part because I actually liked him. My investment was higher and thus the loss felt more crushing. I imagined life beyond triggers with this one.
I stayed in my apartment for a year. I cried on my bathroom floor after going to the gay club a night or two before this one. I manifested via the Chani app before this one. I called in love. I practiced self-love with myself often before this one. I took it slow. I half-listened to my body on dates with this one. I asked the hard … and the soft questions. I gave him more grace than I’d usually give to a nxgga. I leaned into my heart Chaka Khan. I lived. I actually lean into love. Or at least the promise of love.
Now I must acknowledge the whole truth; Janelle Monae tightrope walking myself back home through an intricate web of nuance. Alone.
“What made me keep believing in love was coming to the conclusion that I was imperfect and still had lots to learn about love and about loving men. I contributed to the break up and held myself accountable. What I had learned about myself (I felt) would help me be more present and available in the future.” — Dwayne
Dwayne’s words gave me hope. They anchor one of the reflections I see as an outcome of this ending; that I have a more clear picture of what I can do better in the future.
So here I am. Top bun. Cute B&W loafers. Clicking. Clacking. Very Dorothy about the sitch. I’m walking myself back home.
I’m left with the remnants of a failed attempt at an amicable final convo. I don’t know what the fvck he meant by some of the things he said during our last call. Or more honestly, I was taken aback and didn’t agree with some of the things he said. I felt like while I was trying to build a bridge, he was adamant on burning one. A salve for the failure is seen in this quote:
“It may not always work out the way you want it to, when you want it to, where you want it to, or even with whom you ‘think’ you want it to, but it will always work out exactly as it should. There is peace in releasing to allow things to unfold organically. This notion makes it easier for me to tackle heartbreak or any of life’s other challenges. When I am in alignment, EVERYTHING including love and heartbreak are working in my divine favor.” — Desmond
While I am still processing, I have added the trust that I got what I needed from the relationship to usher me into my next season. Sometimes hesitantly, I’m grateful.
I’m still processing. Still processing the choice I made to discontinue the connection and the bravery it took to end things, when all of the green flags seemed abundant. I’m still processing the courage it took to spot the insidious red flag(s) and trust those too. Trust the pang of unreadiness, and act in accordance with my heart from that pang.
I think about the privilege and freedom of optimism. My capacity to look beyond the disappointment, working through missing the good moments we shared in tandem. I think about my ability to then move my thought(s) to believe that one day the Cinderfella shoe will fit.
I believe.
“I knew that if my heart was big enough to love all my family and friends, I had the capacity to love another partner one day. And I trusted that with 8 billion on this planet, I could def find somebody else.” — Anonymous
Self-compassion reminds me that the disconnection is still new. That it didn’t work out. That I’ll be okay. Grief is a muscle that I’m learning to flex with awareness, ease, and great efficiency. I’m also able to meditate on what’s mine to take from the connection, similar to what Darryl shared:
“…And also in my previous relationship I learned more about me. What I want, don’t want, and how I can improve myself. So it wasn’t a total loss. It’s just fine tuning until I find HIM.” — Darryl
While I ended a connection with another, I began a new connection with myself, which is the point.
Here’s what I walked away with:
SOME THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF FROM THAT NXGGA (sharing a fraction below):
- I do not want to be a house husband.
- I’m an entrepreneur.
- I could work on sharing my feelings, needs, and desires in the moment.
- My boundaries are good, clear.
- I abandon myself waaaaaaaayyy less these days.
- I’ve been listening to my intuition sooner.
- I’m beautiful. (I was faking it, but now I really know that shxt — more than I used to)
- I’m brave AF.
- I run a strict program.
- My ability to be present has grown.
- My repair tools could use some work + practice.
- No one was right or wrong per se, we just weren’t the most healthy match for each other.
- His/People’s experience of me is their reality and they have a right to have that reality.
- I encourage whatever perception/experience a person has of me to exist fully.
- I have the ability to actually fall in love. (I was frightened I’d fall into an old pattern and compromise my truth to be in a relationship)
- I’m a bomb ass homemaker.
- I have waaaaaaaay more to offer than pvssy, quality-time, and to cook for a nxgga.
- I need someone who communicates consistently, clearly, and directly. (I’m very close to self mastery in this area)
- I need someone who won’t be afraid or insecure because of my light.
- I need someone who respects and appreciates that my manhood is rooted in softness and believes that kindness is my default.
- I’m a wailing cheetah when I am activated.
//
I thought I was running toward romance with another yet found myself being pushed by Spirit to fall in love with Nai more deeply. Although I lost a connection, I gained so much more inner insight, reminders of my capacity, confirmations of my strength and internal song. A tune I’m becoming accustomed to listening to more easily. The loss hurts. The ending sucked. But this new, more mindful beginning is my jam.
—Made tenderly by Hull & Sauce through the b/c i’m loved written archive—
This was a very insightful message of self discovery, finding what you want/don't want , will/will not accept. These issues apply whether you are in a romantic relationship or any type of relationship. Setting and standing on your boundaries. Excellent words to live and love by.